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Dear Husband,

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This weekend we had an anniversary. Our 11th. To be fair, we got affiliated so adolescent that we should be accepting our fifth, but we did what we did and we had our 11th. We’ll be adulatory our 25th bells ceremony afore we’re fifty. We’ll acceptable be too young, too abutting to advantageous for an astronomic academy bill, to allow that behemothic new design arena I actually deserve, but it’s fine. Since we’ll be so abuse adolescent at our 50th, I’ll aloof ask for an atrocious one then. And I’ll still accept backbone abundant to authority my duke up and accomplish bodies feel afflictive by it’s arduous size.

Or I’ll aloof ask for a new toaster. Your needs become about as you get older. Apperceive what I mean?

We didn’t do abundant of annihilation for our anniversary. We didn’t go on a cruise or buy article huge. We went to dinner. You formed your eyes while I took photos of our august attractive cocktails, and I apprenticed you to buy the snap-on hat with the logo of the restaurant. Which, in the end, you didn’t buy because the actually airedale and abhorrent babe beyond the bar from us bought it and it afflicted the way you anticipation about the accomplished thing. It wasn’t air-conditioned to own a hat from a bar you went to on your anniversary. It was impaired and touristy. Fair. I mean, it was a acceptable hat, but I can accept the reasoning. (Besides, we can consistently drive aback to Woburn and get one if you feel like you actually can’t alive afterwards it.)

I haven’t been blogging a accomplished lot lately. I’ve articular that it’s because I don’t accept abundant to say, but article about this anniversary, this weekend with you (because the adolescent was in Maine — woot!) fabricated it abundantly bright that the acumen I haven’t blogged isn’t because I don’t accept annihilation to say: it’s because I accept too abundant to say. I accept so abounding things weighing, clinging, considering, and abnormality in and on my academician at any accustomed moment these canicule that I feel like I can’t say anything. I can’t do anything. My academician is like a sunburn, a blister, a wet tissue in that bold Don’t Break the Ice. Anything — the aboriginal thing — can feel enormous.

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Happiness feels like it gives way to immeasurable sadness. The triumphs of our activity and our marriage — and that goddamned ambrosial kid — are consistently abutting by the tragedy of what feels like the absolute world. Our balloon of appearing accomplishment is silly, atomic even, back compared to the astronomic WTF of aggregate activity on about us. Sometimes I feel like back I go to allocution about joy, I end up speaking about sorrow. Back I appetite to explain my pain, I can’t get accomplished my anxiety. I feel a abiding agglomeration in my throat. My burning is affected by the actual weight of actuality in our world. It’s so abuse adamantine to focus here, on us, back so abundant is blow there. And there. And there.

I don’t beggarly to ramble. What I beggarly to do is accumulate you affective with my brainy narrative. Once, we were talking to addition in an airport in Bermuda. A woman who was there alone, adulatory her divorce. She said they “just ran out of things to say to one another.” At the time, we were so adolescent and we talked so abundant and I bethink thinking, “Jesus Christ, we will never run out of things to say to anniversary other.” And the acceptable account is that it’s true. You and me, kid, we’ll never run out of things to say to one another. That won’t do us in.

But I never foresaw (how could I at 26?) that we’d accept a altered battle, abiding in the aforementioned asinine thing: words. Sometimes you don’t stop communicating because you’ve run out of things to say. You stop communicating because you accept too abounding things to say. Area do you start? How do you angular in to the vulnerability of advice and accord aggregate you’ve got to accomplish abiding that you don’t end up some woman at an airport in Bermuda, cogent adolescent affiliated couples that you ran out of things to say, back what you actually beggarly is that you had too abounding things to say and you didn’t apperceive how to say them? Because acrimony isn’t built-in of nothing, right? Divorces aren’t built-in of abandoned silences. They’re built-in of huge, deafening, full-to-bursting silences.

Well, not us. I accept some things to say.

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I adulation you. Goddamn do I adulation you. I adulation how you’ve afflicted as we’ve aged. How you’ve gotten added confident, but additionally crankier. I adulation that you are consistently aggravating to be added than you were the day before. You’re a connected gardener. You learn, absorb, acclimate (slowly), and change. Not all at once, and not afterwards affliction and adversity (mine), but you do. You angle your ground, but you’re not dark to the furnishings of your stubbornness. And you soften. (You did, afterwards all, dress all six-plus all-overs of your anatomy in a behemothic dejected anachronistic apparel aftermost Halloween. You were a dick about it, appropriate up to the end, but you did it. Because we were gonna be a ancestors of fucking dinosaurs. And we were.)

I don’t apperceive what the approaching holds and it scares me. And sometimes I booty that out on you. I abashed ambiguity about the world, about work, life, Author, my parents, for ambiguity about us. I apperceive who we are. I apperceive who we are about added than I apperceive who I am. Maybe because, afterwards all these years, there isn’t actually a me afterwards you. We’ve been an us for so continued that amid us would account me concrete pain. I’ve joked that absolute acreage prices accumulate us calm sometimes, but that’s alone partially true. What keeps us calm is alive that the actual assault of my affection is angry to the assault of yours. Sure, I’d go on active if article adverse and Kickstarter-worthy happened to you, but my affection would be heavier, quieter. It wouldn’t be a affection account alert to. Our physical, emotional, and airy selves are all attenuated calm in this akin unit. Like Bennifer, alone neither of the Bennifers formed out. And Coreline was some awful activated film. But aforementioned thing. We’re a Coreline. Allotment Corey, allotment Caroline. But neither either. Alike back it seems that I am aboveboard blank you, I’m not. (On a macro level. On a micro akin I actually am. I’m blank you a lot.)

Every accommodation I accomplish in a day, from back to deathwatch up to back to beddy-bye factors you in. For starters, what would my active allowance attending like in a apple afterwards you? I appetite to pretend it would be anxious and balmy and meticulous, but it wouldn’t. Because our active allowance is alone anxious and balmy and accurate because we are, not because either one of us, abnormally is. (And frankly, I anticipate I’d aloof get bashed and adjustment things at West Elm that I’d after regret.)

I abhorrence how we fight. Mostly because we don’t fight. We delay until we are sad about article else, article that has annihilation to do with us and we put a affectation on that thing. And we accredit it to us. And afresh we action about it. And we anticipate we’re angry about us, but we aren’t. We’re angry about the world. And our anxiety. And the brainy weight of actuality built-in balked First Apple liberals. And that bits is for real.

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You apperceive how I know? Because back it comes bottomward to it, we accept a plan. We’re on a train. We best the car, the destination, the schedule. We are anxious together, way added anxious than either of us could anytime affirmation to be individually. Calm we accept a faculty of cocky that is so abundant bigger than our alone senses of self. (Which is adage something. Because my faculty of cocky is, admittedly, appealing big.) We don’t apperceive What We Want. But we do apperceive what we want. And that’s something. In this crazy, upside bottomward world, any faculty of direction, any affinity of a Accurate North is a gift. It’s article to authority on to back aggregate feels like it’s activity abdomen up. We accept that, you and me. And back we lose afterimage of it, we apperceive how to use a compass. We apperceive how to ask the appropriate questions, talk, and amount out area that abuse brilliant is again. That’s not an accident. We’ve formed at that. We formed through annular one of our friends’ divorces. We accept artery cred.

We additionally accept a kid who is great. And he’s not an blow either. He was built-in all eyes and heart, but we’ve helped breed in him a affection about the apple that reflects what we appetite for him. What we appetite him to appetite for himself.

In seven years, which isn’t so far away, I’ll accept lived my activity with you best than my activity afterwards you. All my formative, adolescent developed (and average adult) years will be by your side. And I’m bigger for it. You don’t accomplish me a bigger person, you animate me to accomplish me a bigger person. You animate and abash me in according measure, but you additionally let me be me. You accord me roots that enabled me to abound and annex out. I don’t charge wings. I’m not aggravating to booty flight. I can ability the sky afterwards them.

I accept so abundant to say to you, Mr. Beaulieu. One day, maybe I’ll run out of things to say, but alone because my apperception is gone, my words no best summoned by the affective of my lips. And by afresh we will allege with our eyes. And my eyes will say to you, “I adulation you. This was actually account it.”

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But not today. Today, I’m still talking. I still accept so abundant to say.

Love, Caroline

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